Baywatch

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Baywatch

Runtime 117 minutes
Not for children

Scene – Paramount Studios at corporate offices of producer J. B. DeMille:

Director: Hey, J.B., remember “Baywatch?”

  1. B.: The TV show with the babes with big bouncy boobs running in slow motion? Sure, I remember that.

Director: Well, I’ve got a great idea!

J.B.: What’s that?

Director: Let’s make it into a movie but cast flat-chested babes. We’ll get some Howard Hughes-type enhancements that make them look like they’ve got some serious cleavage.

J.B.: Hmmm. I’ll have to think about that. You mean no nudity; no nipples?

Director: No, no; I certainly don’t mean that! We won’t have any female nipples, of course, but we’ll have lots of male nipples. In addition, we’ll insert some full frontal male nudity!

J.B.: That’s a great idea! Here’s $15 million. Get it done.

*   *   *

Now I can’t swear that this conversation actually took place, but something along those lines must have occurred for this deplorable film to have been made. What the TV show proved was that you could put big breasted babes on television in skimpy bathing suits and have them run around in slow motion with their breasts bouncing and people will watch, despite the fact that the shows have no story, no writing and actors who can’t act. This was a show about breasts and skin, period. And it ran for 10 years as one of the most watched shows of the ‘90s.

Fans of the show who go to see this movie will be disappointed, however, because the only bouncing breasts seen belong to star Dwayne Johnson. And the bare breasts also include those of Zac Efron and lots of shots of Zac shirtless.

As to the story, writing, and acting, not one of them makes an appearance, so it’s faithful to the TV show, which starred David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, neither of whom ever played Shakespeare (so far as I know) but both of whom make cameos here.

As an aside, when I saw Zac in Me and Orson Welles (2008), I thought he had a lot of promise. But then he started beefing up his physique and spending his time making junk like Seth Rogen’s Neighbors films. Now this. Maybe his performance in Me and Orson Welles was a outlier and he has found his proper level.

If you want to see lots of female boobs, stay home and watch American Hustle (2013) again.

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