Here’s something for you to try one of these days when you aren’t busy with anything else in your life. Go to a well-lighted mirror and look at yourself. Get up real close and stare at your face. Hard. Pretend that you are looking at yourself for the very first time, you know, as if you are a stranger and never saw yourself before. Go ahead, don’t be scared.
What do you see? I mean besides the enlarged pores and blackheads. Let’s start at the top of your head and work our way down. First look at your hair, is it the same color that it was last year? If it isn’t, why isn’t it? Did you change the color on purpose or did the hair change color all by itself? Do you brush or comb your hair frequently during the day or do you just leave it alone to do its own thing?
Just how long a time do you spend on your hair on any given day? How much junk (sometimes known as “product”) do you put in your hair and what kind is it? Do you use gel, do you use hairspray? Have you ever rubbed anything offensive into your hair? Why would you ever do such a thing?
Do you blow dry your hair, do you curl it, twist it, tie it in knots, braid it, cornrow it or part it in the middle? How often do you wash your hair? When you wash your hair, do you follow the instructions on the label and repeat the process? Do you use a conditioner? Do you shave your head completely or just shave parts of it? How often do you get it cut?
Have you ever had any words, numbers, or designs shaved into your hair? If so, did it make you feel smarter than you felt before you had it done? Do you think that it actually makes you look better than you did before? Do you like it when people stop you on the street so they can read your head? Seriously?
What about your forehead, just how large is it? And how wrinkled is it? Move your eyebrows up and down and see what happens to your forehead. Try to lift one eyebrow up at a time without moving the other one. Do it as fast as you can. Now turn around and see if anyone is watching you make a fool of yourself. If not, we can continue with our examination.
Take a long look at your eyes. Are they the same color they were yesterday? Are you sure about that? Better take another look. Are the whites of your eyes white or another color altogether. Are they bloodshot? Open your eyes wide and say, “Boo.” Did you frighten yourself? Maybe just a little? How are the bags and crow’s feet coming along? Have you ever applied a food product onto your eyes for any reason? Don’t do that, people in Russia are starving.
Uh oh, we forgot the eyebrows. Let’s go back up there. Are both brows even? By that I mean are they equal in size and thickness? Do the brows meld together to form a unibrow? Have you ever thought about shaving off your eyebrows completely and just drawing funny squiggles or writing political slogans above your eyes? You have? You’re sick.
Now we get to the really scary part, the nose. Just how big is that baby anyway? Does it take up more than a quarter of your face? Does your nose go straight out, turn upwards, or simply hang down? Ever had it monkeyed with? Have you ever used it for anything besides breathing, blowing or smelling? If so, don’t do that anymore.
And now let’s check out the nostrils. Are they normal or do you have the kind that are disgustingly large? Any nose hairs sticking out? Do you own one of those electric nose hair gadgets? If you do and you still see nose hairs sticking out, then what the hell is the matter with you?
Look at your mouth. Do you have thin lips or big red liver lips? Have you ever injected collagen into them? Stop it. You’re making yourself a laughing stock. Now open your mouth and look at your teeth. Are they all yours? If they don’t hurt and they do what they’re supposed to do (masticate food) then don’t do anything cosmetically to them. You’re not a movie star and nobody cares how blindingly white you can make them.
I’m skipping the ears because they’re just too ugly to deal with.
Greg Crosby is a writer and cartoonist and former executive at the Walt Disney Company.