I watched lots of war movies on Memorial Day. But nothing could be as realistic as the battle over the TV remote with my kids….
Did you see where Donald Trump took his first foreign trip? In fact, he was in Israel last week. He was the first standing president to visit the Western Wall. Naturally. He likes yuge walls. Yuge.
Trump then went to Italy where he met with the Pope. Trump reportedly told his staff to sneeze, insuring they get blessed….
John Boehner says Trump’s presidency so far is mostly “a complete disaster.” If Trump resigns, Boehner is hoping Katy Perry asks Taylor Swift to finish it….
Montana GOP congressional candidate body-slams reporter. Because words will never hurt him….
Ben Carson calls poverty “a state of mind.” He also thinks food stamps should taste better….
You know — as you get older, there are three things you learn not to believe in: tooth fairies, Santa Claus and Fox News….
Florida woman arrested for assaulting ex with pork fried rice. And he thought she’d never pork him again….
Man accused of trying to bite an American Airlines flight attendant. Anthony Hopkins says he was only kidding….
Indy 500 drivers Scott Dixon and Dario Franchitti were robbed at gunpoint at a Taco Bell on Sunday, right as they were filling up with gas….
Pressure cooker found at Newark airport. Police arrive in time to eat….
In NYC, the annual Fleet Week has begun. Or as emergency rooms call it, “VD Day”….
You know times have changed when sailors look forward to visiting Times Square just to take a picture with Elmo…
And things aren’t going well. I just saw a bunch of sailors trip and fall on a female tourist. Poor lady had seamen all over her.
Tom Cruise agrees to do a sequel to Top Gun. He’s so excited, he was caught jumping again on Oprah’s couch….
Did you see Cher perform on the Billboard Music Awards? I’m convinced it was animatronics….
Did you know when Cher dies, Madame Tussaud’s has first dibs on her….
Adam Sandler is receiving career-best reviews for his new Netflix movie The Meyerowitz Stories. Wow. Hell just froze over….
Bob Dylan celebrated his 76th birthday. You know, I think I figured out why we can’t understand him when he speaks. He’s reading his doctor’s prescriptions.
Howie Fox resides in New York, though his mind can often be found in the gutter. He writes for comedians when not kvetching. He can be reached at email@example.com.