You know, after watching the State of the Union speech, I’ve come to the realization Bob Hope did a better job reading cue-cards….
Sarah Palin was glad the president gave the State of the Union address, or she’d have gotten lost….
And how ‘bout that Melania, huh? She drove to the State of the Union address separately from Donald to prove she’s not Saudi Arabian. And didn’t she look gorgeous in her white suit? When a reporter asked her to describe her relationship with Donald, she said one word: “Stormy”….
To Donald, ICE is what he feels around Melania….
Did you see Donald Trump released the Nunes memo faster than Stormy Daniels can say “no comment”….
But I wanna tell you — that Donald Trump is something else. Turns out he was so happy about the release of the Nunes memo, he celebrated by ordering Chicken Kiev…..
Train carrying GOP House members collides with garbage truck. Or was it Trump’s limo? No one’s really sure….
U.S. adds 200,000 jobs in January. And those are just fact checkers….
A man in Florida tries to steal two planes, take joyride in golf cart and fuel truck. Boy! Sounds like Harrison Ford has too much time on his hands….
Bill Gates invests $40 million to create a “super cow.” Why? We already have Chris Christie!….
Sleepwalking man plummets from eighth-floor window in New York City. Girlfriend doesn’t understand what happened. Says he was happy, In fact, he was walking on air….
Scientists say there is not a link between video games and violence. But be sure to keep your kids from watching the Three Stooges…
Librarian jailed for stealing rare books and selling them on eBay. Ironically, she was booked by police…
Fujifilm will take over Xerox. Talk about your photocopies!….
McDonald’s to open 1,000 new restaurants. Trump: “Yippee!”….
Wikie, a killer whale, has become the first to mimic human speech by using her blowhole to say words. She can say: “Literally,” “Like” “I can’t even” as well as “Netflix and chill”….
On Groundhog Day, Chris Christie woke up and saw his shadow — as did most of the East Coast….
The International Astronomical Union has just announced that Pluto has been reclassified as a major planet. Disney pissed….
In Taipei, China, an iPhone battery explodes in man’s face after he bites it to test authenticity. And again, two hours later….
Olympic athletes to be provided with 110,000 condoms. They will be available in gold, silver or bronze….
Cleveland Indians are dropping the Chief Wahoo logo from their uniforms. Fans go on warparth….
Chris Christie to join ABC News. Now that’s big news!….
Robert Wagner is now also considered a person of interest in the Black Dahlia murder….
Did you know, Joan Rivers had so much plastic surgery, when she died she was buried in a recycling center….
Breaking news: orchestra leader charged with inappropriate conduct….
Howie Fox resides in New York, though his mind can often be found in the gutter. He writes for comedians when not kvetching. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.