Put it on Tape


“So why don’t you just go ahead and put that on tape for me and get it to me by tomorrow,” my high-powered, panicky agent says.

I can picture him. He’s wearing a black Hugo Boss suit tailored just right. His matching cashmere socks poke out from the leather wingtip Italian dress shoes handcrafted and purchased in Italy. He gulps a mother lode of coffee throughout the day, probably to make up for the fact he’s in a non-smoking building and can’t puff on his Marlboros. The freshly lip-glossed interns in heels and mini skirts purposefully walk by his office and smile while sneakily dropping their head shots on his desk.

“Um, yeah, ok. No problem,” I lie. I feel sweat pouring from my armpits. I may even be having a panic attack. I check my chest: blotchy.

I don’t know how to do this.

Has anyone put an audition on tape? And by the way, this is the third on-tape audition I’ve had in two weeks. Are all the casting directors on vacation?

Thank heaven I’m currently living with my best friend Anna again. She’s back. Anna has moved back in for the next several months while someone sublets her apartment and we save four hundred dollars a month on rent each. This is how struggling actors live, people. Isn’t it glamorous?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I seem to have missed the computer savvy generation. Take my eighteen year old sister, for instance. She teaches me (her biggest sister) how to download things. Thanks to her fifth grade “Introduction to Mac Computers” class, she’s computer savvy, while I took classes in fifth grade like Math and History, and have since been left computer inept.

So has Anna apparently.

“Alice, where do we click?” We’re sitting, hunched over, in front of my laptop, trying to figure out how to retrieve the videos from the camera and upload them onto a website my agent recommends called “Vimeo.”

I call my mother. She finally picks up.

“Hey, you’re not sleeping are you?” I demand.

“At 10:30? I’m watching Strange Addictions, you gotta see this one. The lady eats toilet paper.”

“Mom, listen. Can you help me download my audition to Vimeo?”

“Why can’t you use a computer like your little sister Alice?” She exhales a Capri cigarette.

Finally agreeing to pause the show she’s TiVoed, she gets Jessica (my little sister) in the room and Jessica, annoyed, attempts to walk me through the process quickly on speaker phone, before her party-going friends pick her up.

Got it. It took 2 laborious hours, but we put it on tape.

I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel amazing. Someone should give us an award for this! I deserve some chocolate chip ice cream absolutely.

Having just checked my email, I find this: Audition — please put yourself on tape for —

Oh no.

Alice can be reached at AliceActress@yahoo.com

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Tales of a Toluca Lake Actress

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