Toilet Talk


I really have to use the lady’s room. It took me forty minutes to get to this “producer session” for a TV show, where I would play a guest starring role as a stripper with a heart of gold, should I get cast. I find the bathroom.


I wait. And wait. I check my watch every minute or so for fear of missing this very important “producer session.” Finally the door opens and an a large man walks out.

“Oh… you were just in the women’s bathroom.” I gasp.

“Sorry.” He grumbles with his head down.

I can only imagine what went on in there, but the fact of the matter is I just can’t hold it. It’s a do or die situation. I’m thankfully stunned that everything seems normal.

Then I realize there is no toilet paper, just paper towels.

So I extend my arm to an unnatural length and grab one paper towel that I tear into shreds because I only need a very small amount.

I flush.

Oh no. The water in the toilet is rising. I pray to God it doesn’t overflow. Please God, no, please God don’t do it.

And then…

Water pours onto my tan suede boots and collapses and sloshes all over the black tiled floor.

Now I know I have not clogged this toilet. There is no way on earth I made this toilet overflow. The man before me somehow did and failed to tell me I should probably use another bathroom.

I immediately exit as the water forms a mini swimming pool. I’m on a mission to find help and quick. Three producers rush to the bathroom where one of them angrily shouts, “Well if you put paper towels in the toilet its gunna clog!”

It looks like I clogged this toilet.

But I didn’t do it!

And then a few other “important types” surround the scene, which is exactly what it is now, a scene. Utter chaos. And the worst part is I can’t do anything to help. I’m just standing there, wanting to find a hole so I can crawl in it and die. I tried explaining to everyone that a man used it before me and he was the one, but we all know how much guiltier that makes me look. Not only am I standing there, I’m now blaming a man who just happened to use the woman’s bathroom?

Finally one of the suits gets the darn toilet to stop overflowing. He walks past me and shoots me a look that says “freak.”

Auditioning for a room full of people who just stopped a toilet that “you clogged” is probably one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve had.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the part.

Alice can be reached at

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Tales of a Toluca Lake Actress

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