What to write about? So much going on. North Korea is threatening. Dodgers are flailing. Texas is under sewer water. Southern California and much of the west has been burning. Tropical storms on the way for the east coast. Worst summer box office for movies since the nineties. ANTIFA, those black-hooded domestic terrorists, are raising hell and causing violence across the country. American history is becoming lost thanks to modern multiculturalism teachings and political correctness. And the triple-digit heat wave on the west coast continues. What to write about?
Here’s a good one: I found this story in the New York Post. Don’t try this one at home, kids. In Raleigh, North Carolina a man called 911 and told the dispatcher that he just woke up and guess what? He found his wife stabbed to death and lying in a pool of blood. Now here’s the good part: he’s not really sure but he thinks he did it in his sleep accidently after taking too much cold medicine.
The guy says to the dispatcher, “I think I killed my…”
“What do you mean by that? What happened?” the dispatcher asked.
“I had a dream and then I turned on the lights and she’s dead on the floor … I have blood all over me and there’s a bloody knife on the bed. I think I did it. I can’t believe this,” the guy says.
Raleigh police charged the husband, Matthew Phelps, with murder shortly after he made the emergency call. When authorities arrived at the home they found the wife dead as a doornail from multiple stab wounds. “I had a dream and then I turned on the lights and she’s dead on the floor,” Phelps can be heard saying on the call. That must have been some dream he had.
This whole bizarre thing obviously throws the dispatcher for a loop who asks over and over again “How? How?” Finally, at the end of the call, which lasted seven minutes, Phelps tells the operator that his wife didn’t deserve what happened. “She’s not moving at all. Oh my God. She didn’t deserve this.”
He told dispatchers he took the cough medicine Coricidin because he has trouble sleeping. So, according to him, he knocked himself out with the cold medicine and had a really, really bad dream. In fact, the dream was so bad that he got a knife and stabbed his wife to death while he was still asleep. I wonder if his lawyers will plead the cough medicine defense or the really bad dream defense.
The makers of the drug have said that there’s no evidence to suggest their product is associated with violent behavior. Ha! Isn’t that just like big pharma? Always denying the obvious and never taking responsibility for what they peddle to us. Everyone knows that cough medicine drives people to murder, right?
Well, the police aren’t buying it. They don’t believe the crime was a random act of cold medicine homicide at all. The last report was that Matthew Phelps is being held without bond. And hopefully, without cough medicine. No information on whether his cold has gotten any better or has worsened.
Here’s another good one: The Wall Street Journal is reporting that parrots, the most popular pets after dogs and cats, are neurotic, nasty, dirty and dangerous. (Please, bird lovers, don’t write me. I’m only repeating what The Journal said.) The WSJ interviewed a parrot maven, Dawn Martine, who runs the Parrot Education Adoption, Rehoming League, or Pearl, a nonprofit rescue organization that does its best to find new homes for unwanted birds.
“They scream, bite and are messy,” says Martine, who has 12 parrots, including two Moluccan cockatoos, the loudest parrot on Earth, whose piercing scream can he heard up to five miles away. “My daughter asked why I couldn’t rescue fish instead.”
These birds are naturally messy and destructive and most people don’t realize this when they decide to buy a parrot. In the rain forest, they chew on nuts and seeds and fling them. In homes, they’ve been known to break out of their cage by removing the bolt and peck off the computer keys on a keyboard and drop them on the floor. They shred wood, including picture frames and furniture, and chew electrical cords, paper and curtains.
These guys are pretty vocal. In addition to whistling and screaming, they have been known to make squawking noises that sound similar to coughing.
Uh, oh. Considering my previous story I wouldn’t give them any Coricidin before bedtime, if you know what I mean.
Greg Crosby is a writer and cartoonist and former executive at the Walt Disney Company.