The Publicist

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I got the call. My manager tells me I need a publicist. “To publicize what?” I ask.

Then I remember I do have a horror film coming out in October, Hatchet 2. I was starting to think I was just a waitress for a second.

Publicist talk is new to me, but what I’ve gathered so far is this. A publicist: Helps promote the actor’s career.

Why is this important? Because being in the public eye makes the actor more appealing. Casting directors, directors, producers, or anyone else who could give the actor their next job will see the articles and interviews organized by said publicist and possibly call the actor for an audition, or better yet, cast the actor in an upcoming movie.

“Okay, great…but how much?”

I call Dotti.

“Hello?” The elevated, borderline tea kettle voice screeches fanatically and I’m certain I’ve dialed the wrong number.

“Oh…I’m looking for Dotti the publicist. I think I’ve got the wrong number.”

“Nope! That’s me all right!”

“Oh. Well. Um… I’ve never done this before, but my manager gave me your number. I have a movie coming out in October and I need it publicized.” (I admittedly feel so cool right now using the word publicized; I’m so famous right now).

“Oh my God so I like do everything. Like seriously e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. For one hundred and fifty bucks per month, which is, like, the super cheapest, I get you into red carpet events, like, totally jam packed with A-List celebrities. I do one post per day on several social media networks just, like, as another way to get your movie out there, and I do bio, resume and head shot consulting.”

“Okay…”

“For three hundred bucks a month, I, like, seriously can change your life like upside down. I do everything I just said and then I also will personally walk with you down red carpet events and interact with the media for you!”

“Great…” Her voice has now reached a soprano status.

“And then my ‘mega-package’ is six hundred bucks a month, where I get you interviews and also give you access to our private list of celebrity designers, hairstylists, tanning salons, jewelers, and photographers!”

After hanging up and making an emergency run to Starbucks, I order a cappuccino and reflect. Is this woman insane? Six hundred dollars a month to get a list of “celebrity” tanning salons?

I feel I’m going to be sick. This can’t be real. This kind of service just can’t exist in the real world. The thought of young actresses paying money to Dotti makes me want to…just…scream!

I battle with the self obsession the entertainment industry breeds and encourages, yet I just can’t be like those kinds of people. It’s not in me to pay for a “celebrity” tanning salon list, call me crazy. In a perfect world I would like to have a publicist to help promote Hatchet 2, but I know for sure it won’t be Dotti.

I’m sure a normal publicist exists…right?

Alica can contacted at aliceactress@yahoo.com

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Tales of a Toluca Lake Actress

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