Well, it’s that time of year. I don’t know what’s scarier — Halloween or Election Day? This year, I had the least popular house on the block for Halloween. When kids rang the doorbell and said “Trick or Treat,” I handed them voter registration cards. They were so nice. In return, they gave me eggs. That’s right. Specifically, on the windows and aluminum siding….But I wanna tell you, I will be glued to the TV watching the election results. I’ll be flipping channels faster than Arianna Grande falls in love….
Elon Musk says 2019 Tesla cars will have the ability to park themselves. I just want a car that immediately goes for take-out once my wife starts dialing…..
A break-in at an Aurora, Colorado fire station turns bizarre when police find a decapitated bird. Cops put out APB for suspect who took flight….
Half-naked woman crashes through restaurant ceiling in Tennessee. I’ve heard of drive thru, but fly thru is new to me….
Florida mayor accused of soliciting sex in exchange for speed bumps. He got a hump for a bump….
NASA probe gets closest ever to the sun. Just wait till it gets close to Uranus….
Japanese man skips rope 151,409 times in 24 hours. To accomplish this, he was forced to skip class…..
Neil Young confirms marriage to Daryl Hannah. I love fish out of water stories that have a happy ending….
Justin Bieber finally shaved off his shaggy blond mop. Please! He’s not the only woman to ever get a Brazilian….
The good news: Barbara Streisand says she’d consider moving to Canada if Republicans win midterm elections. The bad news: That leaves us with Justin Bieber….
Twitter’s CEO hinted at getting rid of its “like” button. I’d prefer to rid it from the vernacular of millennials. Like, right?….
Sources say Megyn Kelly and NBC are working out her exit. She hopes to settle for enough money to keep her in the black….
Howie Fox resides in New York, though his mind can often be found in the gutter. He writes for comedians when not kvetching. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.