St. Valentine’s Day Last Minute Gifts

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Some guys I know always wait for the absolute last minute to buy their favorite sweetie a Valentine’s Day gift. Why they put it off, I don’t know. Do they think that if they wait long enough maybe the holiday will be called off? Or maybe they figure they might break up with their girl before February 14 comes around, or maybe they just can’t think of something to get that isn’t the typical cliché present like flowers, candy, perfume and expensive jewelry.

So, for all you poor, confused, Valentine present-less guys out there, here is my last minute Valentine’s Day Gift List.

  1. Pink Tools for Women: That’s right; I’m talking real tools here: pink tool kits, pink hand tools, pink power tools, pink tool sets, pink accessories — the works. Why should men have all the fun? Besides, can you think of a better gift to get your empowered babe than a pink power tool? She’ll love her pink tools so much that you’ll never be asked to fix anything around the house again! She’ll do it all! (What is it with women and the color pink? You could paint anything pink and they go nuts for it.)
  2. Season Tickets to Your Favorite Sporting Event: Go out and get season tickets for your favorite team; yes, your favorite team. Don’t be a piker; get really good seats. Put the tickets in a pink box, tie it with a pink bow and give it to her with a smile on your face. If she accepts it nicely, it’s probably because she knows how much it means to you and, after all, she wants to be a part of what makes you happy. She may even think that if she goes to enough games she will learn to love the sport too (HA!).
    On the other hand, if she opens the box and is not all that crazy about the tickets, then you laugh, give her a knowing wink, and immediately hand her the real box, which contains season tickets for the opera or ballet or whatever womanly thing she happens to be into. (IMPORTANT: Be sure her ballet tickets are for the same dates that your game tickets are for. She can take one of her girl friends to the ballet and you’re free to go to the games.) Either way, it’s a win/win situation for you!
  3. A Personalized Valentine’s Love Poem Written to Her by You: Go to a good stationary store and buy the best blank card you can find. Be sure the paper is high quality and that it has lots of girly stuff on the front of it like flowers, butterflies, wind chimes etc. Take it home and using a red marking pen write, “You’re Beautiful. I Love You,” over and over again on the inside of the card. Fill up the entire space, leaving just enough room at the bottom for your signature. When she opens the card and reads it, have a little lump in your throat (if you can manage a tear in the eye it’s even better), look at her and say, “I just didn’t know what more I could say.” She’ll think you are the most romantic man she has ever known.
  4. Anything at All (as long as it’s for a lady): Go to the mall and walk into the first women’s store you come to (it won’t take long, since every store in the mall is a women’s store). Close your eyes and grab something, anything, it doesn’t matter. Take it up to the check stand, pay for it, have it wrapped in Valentine’s Day paper and you’re home free. When she opens it and hates it (which she will most definitely do) just say, “Gee, the sales lady told me that everyone is getting one of these this year, so I thought you’d want one too. I’m so sorry, babe.” She’ll feel bad for you because it is apparent that you are just a typical stupid man who believes whatever a sales woman tells him. She will, of course, take the thing back to the store and return it for something she really wants. The important thing is, even though what you bought was completely wrong, you got her something, and that gets you off the hook every time!
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Crosby’s Corner

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