Too Heavy to Go Light


I wanted to write a lighter column this week, you know, like wondering why all the pot holes in town seem to congregate at the intersection near my house, or why the plastic bags inside cereal boxes cannot be opened anymore without pruning sheers, or how it is that the TV cable always seems to go wacky for a second right at the most important sentence in a show that you’ve been watching. But this stuff will have to wait. We’ve got more important fish to fry, as someone once said, probably a cook at a fish restaurant.

First up, let’s go to the latest news about the Boston bomber dirt bags, as I affectionately call them. The Boston Herald has reported that the Tsarnaev family, including the suspected terrorists and their parents, benefited from more than $100,000 in taxpayer-funded assistance — a freakin’ bonanza ranging from cash and food stamps to Section 8 housing from 2002 to 2012. “The breadth of the benefits the family was receiving was stunning,” said a person with knowledge of documents handed over to a legislative committee today.

The state has handed over more than 500 documents to the 11-member House Post Audit and Oversight Committee, which today met for the first time and plans to call in officials from the Department of Transitional Assistance to testify. “I can assure members of the public that this committee will actively review every single piece of information we can find because clearly the public has a substantial right to know what benefits, if any, this family or individuals accused of some horrific crimes were receiving,” said state Rep. David Linsky (D-Natick), the committee’s chairman.

Wow, is this a great country or what? Beg America for asylum so you can escape from your third world hellhole and America says, “Sure thing, bro. Come on down!” Then once you get in, work the system for all the welfare, medical, free food, school tuitions, and Obama cell phones you can get your grubby swarthy hands on while all the while planning to kill as many Americans as you can. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me! “Come on in, everybody! Take your best shot!”

But wait. Don’t leave me yet. I’ve got the best part of this thing coming right up. After the first Islamic Jihadist brother was killed and the second one was taken into custody, the FBI began to interrogate him, right? I mean that’s what you want the Feds to do, in order to find out if the dirtbags were working with anyone else and if so, who and where they are. This is really important info to get out of this guy because we’d like to try and keep another terrorist attack from happening, right?

So what happens? Eric Holder and his Department of Justice rushes in dragging a federal district court judge with them just sixteen hours after investigators began interrogating the younger bastard. He was quickly Mirandized and stopped talking after being read his constitutional rights. Wham! He clammed up tighter than the Obama administration being questioned about Benghasi. This totally took the FBI by surprise and closed down the questioning right then and there. This human garbage has now “lawyered up.” We may never know what information the Feds could have gotten out of him if they weren’t stopped by the DOJ.

And on top of everything else we have the media turning the whole thing into a Jihadist version of The Bachelor. Have you seen the hot, hunky photos of the two murderers that the mainstream media have been drooling over in their newscasts? Shots of them working out, doing boxing, playing sports, etc. Just a couple of cool dudes doing all kinds of cool macho stuff. What the hell is the matter with our so-called news media anyway? Why are they making these bums into sexy beefcake hotties?

The internet is filled with thousands of stupid teenage (and maybe not-so-teenage) girls who would like to “date” the living brother. Why so many idiotic women want to sleep with mass murderers is something I will never understand, but it has been going on forever. (“OMG, murdering dirtbags are sooo cute!”) What isn’t cute is when our main news sources play into that derangement. An American press is which is completely devoid of any semblance of what once was called, “journalistic ethics.” CBS’ 60 Minutes even interviewed a former girlfriend of one of these two who cooed into the camera saying just how “floored” she was and how much she cared for him. This turned the events upside-down – making the bomber the victim.

Splashing their “cool photos” across the internet and television screens is exactly what psychos like these want to happen! They want the glory, the celebrity, the glam. They crave the media attention to their cause and if all the dopey girls fall in love with them, well, how great is that? Giving terrorists the celebrity treatment gives all the other potential murderers even more incentive to “just do it.”

Listen, these bums may not get their 72 virgins in heaven but one thing is for damn sure, they’ll be immortalized in the American media and thousands of girls will swoon over them. Not too bad for the price of a pressure cooker and a few nails.

Stay tuned for next week’s column when I excerpt parts from my new book, “How did my glasses disappear when I haven’t moved from this chair in an hour?

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